Are You Insane?

insanity imagesIn the late 90s I became addicted to internet porn. The ministry seems to be a particularly vulnerable profession for that one. I tried to stop a zillion times, but I failed repeatedly. I prayed and read my Bible and I prayed some more. I promised God that I would “never do it again”, but I always did. Each Sunday, I would stand up there on the platform consumed with guilt and shame. After the service people would heap praise on me, “Oh John you seem to be talking directly to me”, “You have changed my life”, “God speaks to me through you” on and on and on. All that praise only made me feel worse and feeling bad is the last thing an addict needs! I taught about God’s love, mercy and grace and constantly told people that nobody is beyond God’s love, but deep inside I thought I must be the exception.

To make a long story short, I finally sought help. At my first recovery meeting in 2000, somebody said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. The moment I heard that I realized how true that had been in my own life. I have been clean for over 15 years. I have no shame or guilt. My life has risen from the pit of despair to highest peak of hope and fulfillment. Thank God, I’m no longer insane!  But that didn’t just happen; I had to do something different. I had to swallow my pride and reach out for help. I realized that in all of my praying and begging God to “cure me” that I was looking for Him to do all the work. The “cure” didn’t come until I did my part of the lifting. Could you be a little bit insane in some area too?

To read more about my struggle and what else I have learned:  http://johngouldener.com/?page_id=3877 and read chapters “Facing the Truth’ and “Peeling the Onion”.   If you are struggling, feel free to email me. There is help!

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